Waiting to Exhale
by AngelHeadedHipster
Summary: "Destroy what destroys you." That was Edward Cullen's motto. He lived by it his whole life, knowing it was the only way to survive. But when what's destroying him is himself, he'll have to decide once and for all if he's worth saving.
1. Chapter 1: Rest Easy

A|N: Honestly, this story took on a mind of its own. It was only supposed to be a one-shot. Ah, well. I won't complain.

* * *

_**I**_

His foot tapped insistently against the wooden leg of the table, filling the little café with an unremitting thud. The regular patrons, all accustomed to his restless behavior, paid him no mind; however, the newcomers did. A group of businessmen to his right, who had asked him more than once to quiet down, ultimately, lost their patience. With irritated huffs, they stood, collected their items, and left the café. Promises of never returning lingered in the air long after their departure.

From across the room, he could see Bella glaring at him. He always managed to scare away a new customer or two every week, and he knew it was beginning to upset her.

Edward shrugged, mouthing his usual "I'm sorry" to her, which seemed to upset her more. He sighed, nodding his understanding. He was screwing up, giving her business a bad name.

_Rest Easy_, a family owned café that had been around for over two decades, was well-known for its peaceful, work-friendly environment. It was the place where men and women, usually over twenty-five, went for anything ranging from business meetings to studying. Charlie Swan, founder of _Rest Easy_ had intended for it to be that way. As a man who had to work harder than most his whole life, he knew firsthand how it felt to _need_ to stay focused only on his work but also want a social life; it was this mentality that led to the creation and opening of _Rest Easy_. At twenty-five, Charlie wanted to give those like him the chance to stay focused on their goal while being able to go out and mingle at the same time.

After months of nothing but bad ideas, he'd decided the best way to combine the two was to open a café. He had it all worked out: Cafés were quiet. People liked to go there to read. If he could obtain a liquor license, they could do so much more. Men could hold quiet business meetings with a beer, or study over a hot plate of lasagna with a game of darts; hell, they could even find a quiet corner to meditate if they needed to! His target audience would be people his age or older, not those who'd recently become a college student or the legal age to drink. It would be a place to hang out, but he didn't intend for it to become another party scene or rundown bar. If you weren't mature enough, you had to leave

"All work and no play makes life a dull game," had become his motto as he moved from bank to bank, going over his proposal to multiple people before finally getting the go ahead.

The success of his little café was more than Charlie Swan had bargained for. A month after being opened, word got around quickly that _Rest Easy_ was the place to be if someone wanted peace to get their work done, but enough fun to keep them from going crazy. "Cool, sexy, and not for the faint of heart; _Rest Easy_ will blow you away with its quaint, professional atmosphere while also reminding you that you only live once and to let loose and have fun," Seattle Times had raved.

Twenty-one years later, and its good reputation was going to come crashing down because Edward Cullen couldn't sit still or be quiet.

Rising from his place in the corner, Edward made his way over to Bella. She didn't look up at him as he approached, continuing to clean the counters as if he were not there.

"I'm sorry," he said, staring at his shoes as he spoke. He rubbed the back of his neck and frowned, chastising himself in his head. What was his problem? "I keep screwing up, and I'm sorry."

Bella, finished wiping down all the counters and tables, grabbed her cleaning supplies and started to make her way to the back of the café. "Fifteen!" was all she snapped in reply.

He winced. The last time she was this angry with him, she very nearly ended their friendship. "I know. Bella, I know. I—"

"Five last month, ten this month. You've run off fifteen people in two months, Edward—two of them were regulars." After putting her supplies away, she turned to face him. She didn't look so upset anymore as she looked him over, only sad. "We're not hurting for anything _now_, but if things keep going the way they are, we will be."

He didn't say anything to that. There wasn't anything he _could_ say. She was right, and a simple "I'm sorry" wouldn't make things better.

"Why didn't you tell me you were starting to feel bad again? I wouldn't have pushed so hard," Bella murmured, sighing

Edward watched her as she removed her hair net, letting loose long hair that rested just below her breasts in auburn waves. Her oversized apron came off next, revealing a too big, gray sweatshirt that hid soft curves.

He shrugged, holding her gaze for just a moment before looking away. "I didn't want to disappoint you."

Bella rolled her eyes, washing her hands again to ensure they were as free of chemicals as they could be after her long day of cleaning. "You never could, and you know it. And even if you _could_ disappoint me, you shouldn't let that stop you from coming to me. You're my best friend, and I love you, and I want to help you. I can't do that if you continue to push me and my customers away. You—"

"Can we go get pizza?" he asked, abruptly changing the subject. They'd had this conversation one too many times, and he was sure he'd lose his mind if they had it once more. His lips curved at the corners, and he batted his lashes at her, playful. "That is, if I'm forgiven."

Bella stared at him for a long moment without speaking. She was worried about him, and she wanted him to talk to her, but she knew Edward well enough to know that pushing too hard would only make him close in on himself even more.

Rolling her eyes again, she returned his smile. "Fine, but you're paying for it."

Edward shrugged, having expected as much. "You know I would have, anyway."

—_Exhale—_

They walked two blocks over to _Johnny's Pizza_, a restaurant that had been a favorite of theirs since they were teenagers. For only being two in the afternoon, it was packed with kids of all ages. Edward and Bella both grimaced at that, neither one of them a fan of children.

"Hey! I wasn't expecting to see you guys for another three hours or so," said Garret, an old acquaintance and a Johnny's Pizza waiter, when they walked in. He was sitting at a tall table in the corner, waiting there to seat more costumers as they came in. He grabbed two menus and beckoned them forward. "Come on. I've got a good spot for you guys."

Edward and Bella followed behind him as he guided them to a booth closer to the kitchen, moving as far away from families that occupied the front as possible.

"I didn't have to come in today, so I decided to leave early, and Edward suggested pizza," Bella explained, taking a seat opposite of Edward. She chuckled as they were handed menus, shaking her head. "We come here almost every day, and we always get the same thing. Are menus really necessary?"

Garrett nodded, laughing softly. "I know, but it's a part of the rules. Menus are made for the people, therefore the people _must_ receive their menus. Just hold on to them for a minute, and I'll be back with your regulars in a few."

"Thanks, Garrett." Bella grinned at him again. When he was gone, she gave her attention back to Edward. She took one of his hands in her own, playing idly with his fingers. "I've been dying to talk to you for weeks now."

Edward raised a brow. "Why haven't you, then?" At the look she gave him, which he took as "Be for real," he nodded. He hadn't been the easiest to get along with lately. "Okay, point taken. I'm all ears now, though. What's on your mind?"

Bella launched into a tale of the disaster that was Jacob Black, a regular at _Rest Easy_ who'd finally convinced Bella to give him a shot. Edward nodded occasionally and spoke when he needed to, but he wasn't truly paying attention. His mind was going elsewhere, and he was becoming restless again.

"And then when I told him I would _not_ sleep with him, he—"

"I need a smoke," he interrupted gruffly, sliding out of the booth. He'd regret the action later, but he needed to get out of there.

Before Bella could protest, Edward was walking out of the door and around the side of the restaurant to the alley, hands fumbling around in his pockets until they found his box of cigarettes and lighter. He pulled one out and lit it up with a sigh, instantly relieved.

"Smoking kills, you know. I wouldn't recommend that you continue." The voice was deep and rugged, and the amusement or irony in his words wasn't lost on anyone as he lit up his own cigarette.

Edward froze. He thought his mind was playing tricks on him at first, but when he turned his head in the direction of the voice, he was there. Edward may have been a little less sane than your average person, but he knew he couldn't be seeing things. He couldn't hallucinate such detail. Closing his eyes, he leaned against the red-bricked wall.

His voice shook as he spoke. "Jasper."


	2. Chapter 2: Liars Make Bad Friends

A|N: I feel like I'm doing pretty well so far.

* * *

**_II_**

Edward never expected to see him again. He knew Jasper was the forgiving type, never one to hold a grudge, but still; how many times was Edward going to have to hurt him before he decided enough was enough? He was becoming exhausted by their constant on and off.

"Jasper," he whispered. He took a drag from his cigarette, shaking his head. Slowly, he released the smoke, prolonging the inevitable. "What the hell are you doing here?"

The golden-haired boy chuckled, pushing the smoke out through his nose. "Are you going to look at me? It's been three years since I saw you last, Edward. I think I deserve at least a glimpse of those gorgeous, green eyes of yours."

Edward opened his eyes, but he refused to look at the young man. He knew he'd only be sucked back into a world he had only just forgotten; a dark place better left alone. His voice was strained when he spoke next, angry, "What are you doing here, Jasper? How did you find me?"

"I'm not here for you, you ass. I live in Seattle, and I work a few blocks away from here. I had just sat down when you went storming out," explained Jasper, rolling his eyes. "I'm sure you can imagine what I was feeling when I saw you. Thought I was crazy at first, but I dismissed that thought as soon as it came and went chasing after you. I needed a smoke, anyway."

Unable to help himself, Edward said, "Didn't you quit?"

"You know better than to think I'd quit for good. And life has been such a bitch in the ass lately." Jasper shrugged, tapping on the butt of his cigarette and watching the ash fall to the ground. "I couldn't help myself."

Edward nodded in understanding. He hadn't attempted to quit, but his smoking had increased to two packs a day.

"Just look at me, man," complained Jasper after a brief, awkward pause, realizing Edward didn't plan on truly acknowledging him. "It's been three years, and I was once your best friend. Show me the respect I deserve, Edward. Please."

Edward could hear a hint of desperation in the other man's voice, and he shut his eyes once again. He shook his head vigorously, fingers holding on too tightly to his cigarette. He had already messed up. He'd engaged Jasper in conversation, listened to him speak for too many minutes, and he could feel his control slipping from his grasp. If he looked at Jasper, the floodgates would come crashing open. He wouldn't be able to keep his mouth closed, his hands to himself, or his feelings in check.

If he looked at Jasper, he would be setting the clock back to wounds that time hadn't yet healed.

"I can't," Edward whispered. He pinched the bridge of his nose firmly, shaking his head, frustrated. "I won't. You need to leave. Please refrain from bothering me again."

Jasper sucked in a deep breath. He wasn't surprised to hear those words, but they upset him all the same. "Edward—"

"Jasper Whitlock!" interrupted a shrill, child-like voice. The person it belonged to was a small woman with hair as black as night, her brown eyes narrowed in to tiny slits of fury. Her hands were on her hips, fingers tapping impatiently against them. "You get your butt back in this building right now! A child only turns one once, you know. If you miss this party, so help me God, I will kill you!" she yelled, leaving no room for doubt that she would follow through on her threat.

Jasper rolled his eyes, heaving a heavy sigh as he let his cigarette fall to the ground. "Coming, Mary-Alice." He stomped out the wasted smoke, sighing again. "I wish I could say it was nice to see you again, Edward," he muttered quietly to the other man, who was still refusing to look at him.  
Edward looked up in time to watch his old friend retreat with the woman. It pained him to see Jasper walk away from him again, but he knew it was the best thing for both of them.

_—Exhale—_

After his encounter with Jasper, Edward went home to his two bedroom apartment that he shared with his best friend, Bella Swan. He hid in his room, ignoring Bella's pleas to let her in. Sometime after she'd given up on him, a few of her friends arrived. Their voices were too muffled for him to hear who all had come, but he was sure he didn't like them.

He opened his window and sat on the sill for most of the night. He did this often because it was the only way he could smoke without upsetting his roommate too much.

When Bella called out to him again, it was two in the morning. She sounded worried. Edward didn't bother to answer because he didn't feel like talking. He opted to talk to her later that day, knowing he had to apologize to her, anyway.

Now it was three in the afternoon, and Bella was upset. She had been ignoring him all day, only speaking to him when it was absolutely necessary. Edward figured her attitude stemmed from his walking out in the middle of her story at the parlor, so he decided to apologize.

"I'm sorry. Bella, you know I'm sorry. I was in a bad place yesterday, but I'm okay now. Will you please let me in?" Edward pleaded, knocking lightly on her door again. "I want to hear all about your date with that guy from the cafe."

From the other side of the door, Bella scoffed. It was the only indication that she was listening.

"You're such a hypocrite!" he shouted angrily, realizing he wasn't going to get much more than a huff out of her. Edward, suddenly furious, kicked at her door. "When you get in your moods, I'm always quick to forgive you! I guess I don't get the same privilege. Some friend you're turning out to be!"

His anger fueled Bella's, and she pulled her door open without warning. The abrupt change from solid wood to air caught Edward off guard, and he went stumbling into her room. After catching his footing, he turned to face his friend; her glare was harsher than he had ever seen it. Instinctively, he took a step back.

"No. No, you don't get to stand there and act all high and mighty," Bella snapped, in utter shock that he was accusing her of hypocrisy. "When I 'get in my moods,' I don't take it out on you or your place of business. When I 'get in my moods,' I tell you. I tell you why, too. I also tell you that I need to be alone, that I need some time to worry only about myself." She shook her head and released a deep breath, feeling all her anger leave with it. "I'm not angry at you because you've been having a rough time."

Edward threw his hands in the air, exasperated. "Then what the hell is the problem?"

"You're a liar," Bella said simply. "You're constantly lying to me, and I'm tired of it. That's why I'm angry. You tell me you're okay, you tell me you're ready to listen, but you're not. And I'm angry because you won't talk to me, you won't let me in. At least, I was angry. Not now, not anymore. Despite whatever you may be thinking, I understand. I do, and I'm going to give you your space for as long as you need it. I'm here for you, Edward. Always."

Edward watched Bella as she moved around her room, collecting her sweater and purse. Her words left a sinking feeling in his gut, and he thought he was going to be sick. "What are you doing?" he asked. "Are you leaving?"

"Rose made reservations for us down at Abby's, so I have to go before I'm late," explained Bella, stepping into a pair of heels. "My phone will be on me, so call if you need me."

Edward didn't know what to say. He wanted to argue, but how could he? Bella was right. When she walked away, Edward felt as if he'd just been dumped in freezing water, pins and needles pricking at his skin as the slam of the front door reached his ears.

_—Exhale—_

Paranoia lingered inside him all night. He knew she was coming back, but he couldn't help the feeling. People always left him, so why wouldn't Bella?

The grandfather clock struck twelve, and Edward begun to pace. He gnawed on his nails until they began to bleed, growing nervous and angry. If Bella didn't come back, he didn't know what he would do, or how he would survive. She had been his rock since they met three years ago, constantly getting him through rough patches. He didn't think he could survive without her.

"Edward? What's wrong?"

The sound of Bella's voice, so close to his ear, made him jump. He whirled around to face her, almost knocking her over with his abrupt movements.

"Bella." The relief Edward felt was visible. His shoulders, once tense, now sagged in loose relaxation, his green eyes brightened back to life, and the frown that had been in place since she turned her back on him was gone, a blinding smile taking its place. "You're back."

Bella tilted her head to the side, a curious frown dominating her features. "Of course I did. Is that what has you bleeding?" she asked, pointing to his hands. When she walked in on him pacing, they were the first thing she noticed. "Did you think I was not coming home?"

"Uh, yeah. I thought...I thought I pushed you too far this time," he whispered, voice hoarse.

Immediately, Bella threw down her purse and closed the small distance between them, pulling Edward into a tight hug. No matter what he did, she could never stay mad at him.

"I love you," she murmured in to his neck. Her words were slightly muffled by his skin, but they were clear enough to understand. "Always. And I'm so sorry for worrying you, Edward." Bella took a step back so she could look at him, placing her small hand on the side of his face gently. "Rose and I got caught up at the bar watching the game."

At that, Edward snorted. Bella wasn't much of a sports fan, but their good friend, Rosalie Hale, was. She loved every sport there was to offer, but she held a special place in her heart for basketball. He wasn't surprised to hear that they had to stay and watch.

"Tonight was Miami, right? I thought she hated them?" he asked. Now that Bella was back, he could breathe; he could be somewhat normal again.

Bella laughed. "Oh, she does. No one hates anything more than Rose hates the Heat, but they were down by fifty, and she had to see them lose. Bonus: it was the the Clippers! All she could talk about was how good it felt to 'watch a sorry ass team like the Clippers beat the fucking Heat."

For the rest of the night, Edward listened to Bella rehash everything that had happened to her the past two months. He was astounded by how much he had missed. Although there were some things he wished she would have kept to herself, like how 'fan-fucking-tastic' Quil was in bed, he was happy to hear what she had to say.

As the night wore on, he realized he would have to tell her what was wrong with him.

"Bella," he said quietly when she stood up to retire to bed, softly taking hold of her wrist to stop her.

Bella groaned, thinking he was going to keep arguing with her. "Edward, I don't care about Trek War or Hans Spock, okay? I just want to go to bed!" she whined playfully, fighting a grin.

Shaking his head, Edward laughed. "First of all, it's Star Wars and Stark 're two different shows. Second, it's Spock and Han Solo. They're two different people. Third, that isn't what I wanted."

"Then what do you want?" she asked. The amusement left her as she noticed the nervousness in his eyes, and her eyebrows knitted together in worry.

"You're scaring me. What's going on?"

Edward fidgeted. He couldn't meet Bella's eyes. He didn't want to risk catching a glimpse of pity in her eyes when he told her.

"Jasper," he mumbled. Knowing that wasn't enough of an explanation, he continued, "When I ran out on you, I saw Jasper."


End file.
